Thoughts of an international student

Despite having over hundred percent of freedom.. there's actually more cons than pros.

Such an emotional midnight i had out of the blue and i found myself in a deep funk

I always thought studying at overseas are something really FUN to do or what i can say YOLO - you only live onced but trust me.. i am fucking wrong.. very WRONG

I learn to be more ... to myself .
I am currently staying at hostel which is single bedded ( a single room )

Sometimes i just felt like i am all alone.. even i had enough money to buy nice damn tasty food.. i just felt like i have no one to talk to or share with .. it just sucks

every morning i wake up, all i think of is to take a shower and go school.
after school, all i think of is to go back home and do my assignment and go to bed.
And these are the cycles of my daily routine for continuously since July till now .. which been MONTHS

people i can talk to everyday is thru PHONES, or the four sided wall at my room that protects me.
however, i felt that i am soo disturbing to contact them every single day

social medias nowadays are wideee.. such as instagram
i can see my friends went out happily WITHOUT ME and took picture , then uploaded into instagram that seriously tore my heart appart.
not just that, sometimes they will be so busy on their on college work, it takes them forever to reply

sometimes, i saw them tweeting something really sad and shit.. i really felt so heartache i am not there for them
when i called them using my IDD, they just wouldnt pick up as they were throwing their phone aside..

BUT do they understand what the shit i felt... i am very worried, helpless
and what worst is - i couldnt attend my sister from another mother graduation.. its her big big day i am not there.. aiks D:

Next, my parents,

i keep in touch with them everyday, not thru phone calls but voice message on whatsapp

last week, i heard my mum said that she's not feeling well, and so does dad
i understand.. human grows... grows and get sick..

its even sad that i am not there for them .

i know there's no turning back,
i am doing this for my future? or i can say a better career or something for me to learn or go through
I should have that gratitude that i get to study abroad compared to people out there

Because i felt that i am disturbing and got no one to talk to, this is the way i express my feelings and i hope this is between us.

i wish to be at home again . i wouldnt skip my parents meal, i wouldnt fight back, i will appreciate my friends more .. i will and i hope those ------ships with me wont goes sinking